Ahhh, Flame mail...Good stuff. No matter what you call it....hate mail, harassment...it's still great fun. From time to time the staff here at BeVar Systems is treated to these love notes from a surly visitor to our site.

Rather than ignore the mail, or send mail bargaining with the cantankerous visitor, we prefer the more honest approach of flaming them right back. When we receive a particulary interesting amusing or annoying piece of mail, we will post it here, along with our response for eveyone to see. A word of warning: Flame mail can sometimes contain language not considered appropriate.

Our First installment was sent by a visitor to our site who seems to have had a problem with our dear (and now departed) Jérôme "Frenchy" Courtois. Below is the letter we received on March 28, 2000...

Dude!

What's up with all of this Pro-France crap?  Nobody gives a shit where
you're from.  If you've got something  important to say about computers,
just spit it out and get it over with.  Nobody gives a shit who designed the Concorde.  The Concorde is a useless piece of shit.  Just 1 F-22 (designed by Americans) can single handedly destroy the rat-infested country of France.  So you can take that silly gay-ass flag you call your national symbol, fold it up nice and tight, turn it sideways and shove directly up your CANDY ASS!!!  When are you Frenchies going to pay up on that WWII debt you owe the US?

Thanks
Mr. Red-Blooded American

Well, loving our dear Frenchy as we do, I was tasked with responding to Mr. Red-Blooded American. The following letter was sent in response:

Brandon...

First off...."Dude"? What is this, a 1980's surfer movie?

Now to the content of your letter..

Pro France...hmmm...Well, in your no-doubt thorough perusal of our company site, I'm sure you ran across the fact that the hardware review page was written by Jérôme "Frenchy" Courtois. He happens to be French, born and raised but is now a US citizen willingly and gladly. Since we let him write the pages and the reviews we also let him do it in his way, with his style. A style which we...a Spaniard and an Irishman by ancestry, both born and raised here in the US, one a US Military veteran...find amusing. Humor which apparently escapes you.

Perhaps I should explain hyperbole and sarcasm for you to help you
understand the "big people talk".

Hyperbole is a severe exaggeration to make a point.

Example: "The guy who wrote us About Frenchy's Hardware Café is the biggest ass since Hitler" Intended result: That the guy is an ass.

Sarcasm is saying one thing when the intended effect is in fact the opposite.

Example: "This guy who wrote us about Frenchy's Hardware Café sure is smart. He's right, you know, we should change the way we do everything just because he's so smart."

Now, combining these two thing together is often used to poke fun at common humor values. You see, here in the US, one of the most common running jokes used when referring to another country is making fun of France for surrendering and sucking in general...a fact that our dear Frenchy is quite aware of. He also happens to take advantage of this inherit humor to write is articles. Humor which, again, you seem to have missed.

Now to some facts you may have overlooked:

Fact: while you're busy waving the flag you forgot to mention that in recent wargames, the United States was so busy proclaiming that they are the best military anywhere that the Israeli Air Force beat them soundly. Hmm interesting, isn't it?

Fact: The Concorde, while you may think it is a "useless piece of shit" is
still the fastest and most complicated passenger aircraft on the face of the earth. The American Version of a similar craft, while originally designed for hypersonic (that means "much faster than sound") bombing runs, the Valkyrie, crashed twice and was discontinued from service before ever going to full production.

Fact: the sentence: "Just 1 F-22 (designed by Americans) can single handedly destroy the rat-infested country of France." Is hyperbole. While the point (I hope) you are doubtless trying to make, that the F-22 is far superior to the French Mirage, is absolutely true, the statement itself is of course ridiculously false. It is impossible, of course, for a plane armed with only 8 AIM-9 Sidewinders or AIM-120 AMRAAM missiles in 3 internal bays, plus 1 long barreled Vulcan 20 mm rotary cannon to destroy an entire country. However, interestingly enough, a variation of the French Mirage, The Israeli built F-21 IAI Kfir, was used by US air forces as a training plane and as an "aggressor" unit because the Air force determined that the plane was a even match for US aircraft in dissimilar air combat training. Twelve were used by the US Navy and thirteen by the USMC.

Fact: the American Flag is based, to no small extent, off of the colors of the French and British Flags.

Fact: There are more rats in America than in France. And not all of them are on the internet.

You see, it's always best to be researched and not make wild-assed comments about people who you know nothing else about. If you'd like to discuss computer hardware in any way, we can put you to shame...TO SHAME, Mr. Red-Blooded American. We have more experience working with hardware than most companies in the world, much less some mouthy malcontent who can't see the point of humor in a hardware column.

Also, when was the last time you did more on Veteran's Day or Memorial Day besides drag your fat ass up to the Bar-B-Que (originates from a French term, by the way) and drink yourself into a coma? Mindless flag waving patriots are as harmful to the health of a country as those who fight against it. You can't just wave the flag, you actually have to understand it and believe in it and know and realize that nothing is perfect...including our beloved country...and work to improve it. badmouthing other countries is no way to improve the US, it make us look petty and small, but perhaps that's what you're shooting for.

Try actually reading the reviews instead of just looking at the pictures (perhaps you can get someone to read it to you if you're still having a problem). Also, there is more to the site than just the Hardware reviews. Have someone who understands how web sites work to explain to you how to get there.

I can't wait to hear back. Small minds make for great fun.

Shawn Pence
Director Of Operations
BeVar Systems, Inc.